Giving Her a NameOctober 23, 2017
When she hits, she hits hard. The vastness of her just swallows you in. She consumes you. Holds you under.
Her darkness surrounds you and it feels like no matter how hard you kick, you are just being thrown around like a rag doll and you cant seem to break through to the surface... The feeling is familiar, like an old friend coming to visit. You recognise the voice. She talks way too much and all you want is for her to finish her cup of tea and leave.
Sitting down now. Putting pen to paper, this is the only way I can describe her. That little voice in my head at times. I will call her Emma.
I know loads of us are actually terrified of our own feelings and that is me included. We scratch at the surface and then when it gets tough to sit with the pain, we retreat. Not wanting to be that vulnerable. We try to shove it down as far as we possibly can. Tears bubble to the surface, and you know this is not going to go away until you deal with it. We still manage to tell ourselves that this feeling is too insignificant to pay attention to. To 'stupid' to feel.
Until she comes around again. The dark visitor of your mind. We invite her in, we engage in the conversation and we allow her to persuade us that the story she tells is real. The lack of self-control over the verbal abuse feels silly but if left can definitely do some damage. Insecurities, anxieties and depression is not taboo any more its in the forefront and it will keep happening until we deal with it.
I am of course only speaking of my own experiences. Thoughts and feelings that I deal with. I know if I let her talk for too long, I get hooked on the topics of conversation. To be honest I cant pin point the day I let her in. Maybe it was an accumulation of things or maybe I wasn’t paying enough attention. Too distracted and disconnected to see who I had allowed to get close to me.
It has only been through Yoga and meditation that I could separate myself from my thoughts. Separate negative from positive. Separate real from unreal, fiction. Separate her from me.
By giving her a name and identifying the character, as just that, a character.
Negative thoughts... Separating yourself from the negativity. From the destruction of constantly taking the bate. Giving her a name might allow you to see it as a separate entity. To know that it is not you, or shall I say not the true you but only a small figment of your thoughts that you have complete power over. This might just be the cure we need to not get sucked up and swallowed whole. To greet the feeling as you would a person. “Hi Emma, I see you. Thank you for your input but not today.”
Perhaps this could allow us to distinguish between the noise. What to engage with and what is complete nonsense.
I have come to this realisation only by getting quiet. Quiet in my Yoga practice, quiet through meditation, body sensing and mindfulness. It is in the quiet that we find the answers, or even just an illumination of the next step to take in finding the answers.
I want to share this thought as I am hoping it could help someone. Someone like me that engages in his or her negative thoughts. A person that might feel a little drained by having the same conversation over and over again. Give it a name. See how it feels when you separate yourself from it.
Lets change the narrative. Lets get quiet. Drown out all the noise. Become internal and find the strength to silence your inner Emma. Say the name out-loud. As strange as it might sound. Engage in constant conversation until you feel comfortable.
You are not that voice.
Affirmation for letting go:
Today I embrace the memory of my past, and feel grateful for all that life has given me. I acknowledge the struggles and that I did the best I could at the time. I am ready to let go. I clear my future road ahead for miracles and happy surprises.
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